The Ugly Lamp

In the college town of Rexburg, Idaho was an apartment complex called Greenbrier. We lived in Apartment 17 and were good friends with Apartment 5. In Fall 2006 our apartment consisted of Amy Barrus, Lisa Summers, Laurie Summers, Michelle Perroni, Alison Walker, and Carley George. In Apartment 5 lived Jon Boizelle, Jesse Cottam, Luke Cottam, Nathan Mcbride, Elliot Walters, and Jimmy Mitts. Many good times were had, from pranks that failed miserably to just throwing a ball around while sitting and talking in Apartment 5’s living room.


Once when we were visiting Apartment 5, they tried to pawn an ugly lamp off on us. We told them we had our own ugly lamp and we didn’t want theirs. After leaving their apartment, we decided it might be fun to take their ugly lamp and start an ugly lamp collection.

After picking up Apartment 5’s ugly lamp, we went around to all the apartments at Greenbrier asking people for their ugly lamps. Some people were glad to be rid of them—they pulled them out of closets or off of shelves where they had been stashed out of sight. As we left these apartments, they told us they did not want to see their ugly lamp again. Other apartments greedily held on to their ugly lamps and would not let us have them, leaving us confused as to why anyone would want to keep these lamps and a little put off that we couldn’t add them to our collection. Some plots were made to steal the ugly lamps, but they were never put into action.

We ended up with thirteen ugly lamps in all. They were placed on display on the mantle, shelves, and even on placemats on the coffee table. People would come from other apartments to admire our ugly lamps and decide which was the ugliest. No entrance fee was required. We soon had names or distinguishing features to tell our guests about the lamps. The lamp from Apartment Five was so old it once held oil and there was a lamp with a manually retractable cord. Some of the names of the lamps included the Hot Dog Lamp, the Chocolate Lamp, and the Caramel Lamp. We’re pretty sure one of them used to be an old fashioned lamp post.

One of the lamps broke while in our apartment. From the looks of it, this was not the first time it was broken. Elliot said he had a brand new tube of epoxy we could use to fix it. However, we think he didn’t trust us with such a strong bonding agent because he never did let us use it. Luckily, Lisa had a hot glue gun and the lamp was soon restored.

Although many of the lamps didn’t work, we put them to good use. Light bulbs were pilfered to replace the ones that had burnt out in our apartment. When we played village idiot, the idiot would have to wear a lampshade on their head. And of course, ugly lamps are always a great topic of conversation.

Despite the many uses of the ugly lamps, not all of the tenants of Apartment 17 were happy with them. We decided a good way to get rid of them and bring peace back to the apartment would be to return them to where the idea started—apartment 5. It was decided that while the guys were at the priesthood session of general conference, we would take our thirteen ugly lamps and put them in their living room. Unfortunately, we discovered entrance through the living room window cannot be gained in all of the apartments at Greenbrier, even with the help of a butter knife. However, that is another story for another day.

And so the stay of the ugly lamps was lengthened while tempers shortened. It was finally agreed upon that the lamps could stay unto Halloween, then they were gone. We turned the lamps into witches for our Halloween decorations by making dresses out of garbage bags and heads out of balloons. We won the Halloween decorating contest that year.

We did manage to get some of the lamps back to apartment 5 in spite of previous failures. We decided to ask the guys to a girl’s choice dance by making more lamp people and leaving them on the doorstep. When Jesse attempted to return the lamps, we told him not to let his roommates take advantage of him and take those lamps back home with him.

The rest of the ugly lamps were returned to their original owners. By this time, most of the people had gotten used to life without the ugly lamps and didn’t want to return to the former state. Many of the lamps were discarded in the lounge. The saddest fate of them all belongs to the original ugly lamp. It found its way to apartment 6, were it stayed for a time. Then one cold night it was found next to the dumpsters, half buried in snow. Unable to leave it there, Laurie and Lisa carried it back to their apartment one last time.